The Bravest Thing

Recently, I read an article about a young woman whose spouse had been murdered. He was a deputy and she was a devoted wife. The pain was so much that over the course of a few years, she spiraled downward until her demons took over and she went to meet her husband in heaven.  I feel for her and her family. I couldn’t help but feel her pain over the death of her spouse. Many times I’ve wanted to sleep and not wake up until it was my turn to see Josh’s face again.

Regardless of how your spouse died, the pain is  suffocating.

Grief is an awful thing. It does make you question life and is often debilitating.

The last two days, I have gotten home early from training and told myself how productive I was going to be. Instead, I put on music and cry and then I sleep. I was late picking up Amelia because I simply wanted to sleep until this bad dream was over. I felt like a horrible mom but there is no denying how truly broken I am after losing my soulmate.

Everyday I smile and make jokes despite the hurt in my heart.

Many may not know but I spent 10 years as a military medic. I deployed once overseas. One would think thats brave…. When I returned home from deployment I was forever changed and thoughts of not being good enough consumed me. Then I made a decision to not be alone because being alone contributed to my spiraling thoughts, Josh stepped in and saved me from myself. He encouraged me to seek help to which I did.  I spent two years going to the Post Traumatic Stress Recovery at the VA. All it took was one text to Josh that said “I’m not okay” and he would race home from work no questions asked. With the help of those doctors and Josh, I was able to see light on my darkest days…

Then the day came when my knight in shining armor was ripped from my hands. I no longer felt brave, I no longer felt strong, and all over again I felt alone. I shook my hands at the sky asking why. I replay our journey in every aspect trying to examine if there was any point I could have changed the outcome. Trying to decipher if I truly did everything I could have. Was I strong enough for him? Was I brave enough?

Over the immediate weeks after Josh’s death, I chose to be the best mom for our Amelia. Even though I felt dead inside, I knew I owed it to her to live. There is no way I could possibly let her down even if I felt as though I had let Josh down.  I do not know if we hadn’t had Amelia, if I would have tried so hard.

It would be so easy to give up. To give in to the pain simply so I could see his face again.

But I won’t.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done in life is something I do every day.  I live.

I wake up and I choose joy.

Instead of letting the pain cripple me, I use it in a way God and Josh would be proud of. I know they are.

God has carried me and led me to some pretty amazing people. He led me to Josh and He will continue leading me…..

I may not always make the best decisions and sometimes, I fall short on making dinner but I’m moving forward with the pain on my heart. All while gripping my faith around every turn.

One day someone will answer the call and be ok with me not being “ok”. When that happens, I’ll be ready to open my heart because the bravest thing I’ll ever do is just simply to live.

Thank you God for giving me Josh, giving me a chance and leading me to the next chapter of my life….