Tell your heart

I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m a long way from where I was.

Tuesday will be 7 months since we lost Josh. Some days it feels like it was yesterday I was with him in his final breaths and some days I look back and amaze myself with how far I’ve come.

Every choice I’ve made since God took him home has been to grow myself in an attempt to piece myself back together and create a new beautiful.

Everything we wanted is just a memory. I’ve had to learn to be ok with making a new journey for myself and Amelia and I don’t yet know where it will take us.

The life I had known fell to pieces and I have learned to pick it up one piece at a time.

I remember saying, “The sun still shines through broken glass” and every day I get to remind myself of that. Stained glass windows are merely broken glass pieced together in different ways to create something beautiful.

I don’t necessarily recognize myself in the mirror every day but every day should be different. I should learn from the day before and continue to build myself up in times of doubt. I keep asking God to change the things around me  but I’ve found that through His strength, He is changing things inside of me to create a  different yet still beautiful version of who I am.

You may recall that I started my first job as a nurse recently. I was put on the floor pretty quickly and one of my first patients to arrive was simply coming to us to pass away. This patient was a steadfast faith driven individual with a family full of warriors. I was fortunate enough to get to know this family and they have most definitely left a mark on my heart. I would often sing to the patient because I knew they could hear it. If my voice could lift them up I was willing to do it. It was hard but it was appreciated and at the time I knew it was therapeutic for the patient and family… it wasn’t until the day came for the patient to meet Jesus that I realized just how incredible that experience was for me. At the time I just wanted to do my job to the best of my ability. I didn’t realize my abilities far outshine being “just a nurse”.

My ability to empathize and have hard conversations about death stood out. My ability to calm, reassure, and uplift this family made me realize that the struggles have been worth it.

I will never know why God took Josh. It will hurt forever but through my life I will use the pain for a greater good and connect with those who may also be suffering.

I became a nurse to do more and in just one week I realize I have. The family called me their angel. I wouldn’t be that to them, without a few of my own watching over me.

Living life means taking chances. It is not always easy but if you tell your heart to be open, the possibilities are endless.

I found myself walking through a snowstorm this weekend with a man I had just met that morning. We stopped on a corner and I looked to find we were right next to “Cancer Survivors Park”. I could not believe how quickly the pain came on and then subsided with a hug. A hug that said it’s ok to be broken. A hug that said, I don’t understand but I’m here.  Through spontaneity and a snowstorm, I felt it begin again….

People have often asked, “how do you do it?”

I’ve made it this far by believing in God, knowing that He has a greater plan for me and simply smiling through the pain. Your smile holds a lot of power and a good spirit attracts good things.