It’s been a crazy week with school and my tech business and travels etc. I flew to Los Angeles to attend a leader led convention with my company and had such a great time! It was insightful and motivating. My travels fell on the 6 month anniversary of losing Josh and to say it was hard is an understatement. Everything in my life, my mind and my heart is a constant tug of war of how I thought it should be and what it actually is.
Nothing in the journey of life has been easy for me but I always try to make the journey worth it. Even if that means putting myself out there and being uncomfortable. Network marketing is not where I ever thought Id be but I am learning and growing through it and have found a new company that is bigger than myself to become a part of. I only hope to succeed to the best of my abilities.
While at home today in between laundry and homework, I walked past our piano which has two songs of sheet music on it. It’s just a place I’ve set them to keep them out of the way and it didn’t dawn on me until today how crucial the placement is….
When Josh was sick I always sang “Still” to him for encouragement and to lift our hope off of the ground. Exodus 14:14 reminds us that the Lord will fight for us we need only to be still. Even now, Amelia still calls it “Daddy’s song” because she knows that song was always for her daddy.
I recently sang the song “Yours” at a friends wedding and sort of just placed it on the piano next to my bouquet from the wedding and then went about my business. The thing with this song, is it reminds me of Joe. It always has and always will.
There I was playing tug of war with myself again and in one casual instance I realize I am still yours Josh, and I always will be but I am also where I am meant to be. Even if where I am meant to be is not where I saw myself when I said “I do”.
Above the pieces of music are stones we received from the funeral and my favorite photo of Josh and I. Just to the left of those is a nutcracker that Joe gave me because it is a female soldier.
I constantly worry if I am doing the right things , headed the right direction, and being a good mom.
I don’t want to be so afraid of losing that I don’t try.
I want to learn, I want to grow and I want to love.
I am broken, I am bruised and I will always be hurting but just because I am all of those things, doesn’t mean I can’t smile.
There’s strength in a shattered heart that blossoms amid trials and tribulations and I know God isn’t done with me yet.
I have walked through hell and back and there’s no stopping where I will go as long as I continue to surround myself with the right crowd. They say your vibe attracts your tribe and I’ve found quite the group of supporters through business and in life.
Each bringing their own inspiration to my life. I am blessed with the support of Josh’s family and my own family. I am blessed with the love that Josh left me with and the love Joe so willingly gives to this shattered soul.
Two songs. Two very different men. One heart.