Well, as you see, I have been missing for some time. I have wanted to write so many times and just simply haven’t. I graduated with my BSN in September but with the pandemic it has been very difficult to find a daytime nursing job. So my attention shifted to the kids and continuing to improve myself.
It’s now 2021 and time has flown by with the pandemic overhead. Dan and I managed to make it through and are still going strong after a year. Gabriel turned 2 last month and Amelia will be 6 in just two weeks! It’s been a whirlwind!
Amelia is starting to miss Josh a lot more as she starts processing her emotions and seeing other kids with dads. It’s been tough because I obviously miss him too and am struggling with processing grief myself, almost 4 years later. It never goes away and how do you explain to a child everything they will miss from not knowing their dad?
I have taken steps to begin EMDR therapy because I feel as though I’ve exhausted all other avenues of coping. I’ve continued to move forward, I’ve done good things, accomplished great things and continue to try to make the world a better place but at the end of the day, I am still left with not being able to fully experience any of it.
Turns out, when you try to avoid feeling the pain, you are also eliminating your ability to fully feel the good. I have so much good going on around me but I am so caught up in trying not to get excited for the fear of my world being flipped upside down again, that I stay neutral.
I’ve been let down so much in my life that getting excited over anything seems impossible however, I remain hopeful.
The pandemic caused the entire world to slow down. It challenged us all and pushed us to our limits. It caused businesses to falter, relationships to reflect and families to choose between sickness and health.
The hardest part for me during the pandemic has been the loneliness that is amplified from not being able to see and enjoy those you love. The inability to find a job that works with the kids and I has really challenged my self worth. I know I am worthy of all the greatest things but not being selected for work has been tough on my mental health. Being forced to stay home with little to no interaction for months on end has been grueling.
That being said, great things are happening too and while it’s been difficult for me to fully feel them, I have not failed to recognize them.
Graduating with my Bachelor’s degree was something I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would do. Having accomplished this, gives me hope that the right job will come about. It has been hard to think I didn’t get to walk across the stage or really embrace such an accomplishment but knowing I achieved it and with high distinction lets me know I am capable.
Being in a steady, happy and loving relationship was something I questioned ever being able to do again yet, here we are after 1 year and he still makes me laugh and feel beautiful. Even on the days when I’m a little harder to love; he loves me back harder and I am so grateful for him!
The in-laws have finally made the move closer and I cannot tell you how amazing that is! We still have a few months before Steve fully retires but having them close makes life so much easier. Adam and Angie are also closer now which means family will always be near, now more than ever! I married into the most amazing family EVER! They are truly wonderful! I am blessed!
The kids continue to amaze me every day! They also test me daily… from big emotions in a little girl to a little boy with big ambition and no fear I am constantly running into something to tame! Thank goodness for God’s grace and the heart of a child in forgiveness! Oh, and snuggles, thank goodness for snuggles! They seem to heal almost any situation!
The next best thing I will be facing is a campaign. I have never been the face of anything so it is nerve racking but running in Josh’s honor allows me to face it with hope and dedication. I will be running for “Woman of the Year 2021” through the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society! I was selected personally by staffers there and I am elated to represent so many widows in raising funds to find a cure! Here’s to many great things to come!
Overall, pandemic timing has really stretched the limits not just for us, but for the world. It has brought about some really good and not so good things but overall, I continue to be blessed and remain hopeful in our future. As we know just from our story, things don’t always end up the way we wanted but with faith and family, we can still accomplish great things <3