We were never the couple to go all out on Valentine’s Day. Some years I’d say “Don’t get me anything” and then I’d get him a card to which he would respond with “I thought we weren’t getting each other anything?!” and then he’d roll his eyes. I think by our third year together he finally realized that when I said “don’t get me anything” I actually meant, don’t spend of a ton of money but get me a card that says all the things you never do! So simple cards it was except some years we never celebrated at all. I highly regret only keeping cards for a week after before throwing them into the recycle pile….
I remember going out for dinner one year on Valentine’s Day but it was only because we both had the day off! The next year we spent Valentine’s day doing our taxes! I know, so romantic!
Our last Valentine’s Day before Josh got sick was spent in Mexico. We were there over Amelia’s 1st Birthday and I remember not wanting to go! Not only because I was still in nursing school but because he wanted me to take my blonde hair blue eyed beauty to a country I’ve never been to before. It was her first plane ride and first trip outside of the U.S. She was a trooper just like her daddy 😉 I am so glad I went even if I spent 50% of my time indoors on the wifi doing assignments! I never would have gone had he not pushed me and reassured me that everything would be ok.
I really haven’t been one to go all out on this love filled hallmark holiday but as a mom, I was forced to conform and buy my kid Valentines and attach treats! I had all but forgotten until two neighborhood families rang the doorbell and dropped of cute Valentine’s for Amelia! She was pretty excited! Thank you Kollman and Schmitz families 🙂
So, this morning I dressed her in red and dropped her off at daycare to celebrate “I love you” day with friends and headed to work. On the drive I found myself crying….again….except this time it was because I don’t have Josh to give all my love to. Even in the midst of “don’t get me anything” there’s a sadness that lingers. “Til death do us part” is a crock because death does not end love.
I will love Josh well beyond the grave.
Valentine’s Day is what you make it and I remember always hating it before I met Josh because I usually spent it alone. Then, I met Josh and decided it was nice to be loved year round but I still was not about to pay $40 for a box of chocolates! I always said to wait until after Valentines Day when it all went on sale! I mean really, then you get more for your money right?!
This year, although it hurts and I miss my soulmate, I will continue to remember, cherish, and honor him by continuing to put one foot in front of the other…. even if there are days I can’t see where I’m going beyond my tear filled eyes.
I may even buy myself some flowers and chocolate tomorrow because after all, flowers are pretty, chocolate tastes good, and everything’s better when you don’t pay full price!
I miss you Josh. I will love you always. Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven.