Just like that, another month has gone by. I haven’t quite nailed down this whole single parent thing and allowing myself “me time”. I think at this point, I would spend it sleeping because that seems to be the quickest way to forget about everything. In the past month, we had our headstones placed and gave away 2 scholarships in Josh’s name.
It’s been a busy month! I confirmed my pregnancy with an ultrasound and Baby #2 should make their grand appearance in January 2019! It’s pretty crazy to think I have another piece of Josh growing inside of me. I remember going back and forth on whether or not it was a decision I wanted to make. Now, there’s no turning back! I don’t regret it at all but there is a certain amount of fear with it too.
Memorial day was really tough for me. Not just because of those lost on my deployment over seas but in general. We had gone camping to our usual spot and even the same site. It’s tough to do those things without Josh. We all know we can’t stop living just because he’s gone but in the same breath it’s so painful when we can’t help but think “you should be here”. It’s hard to push forward when the memory of Josh is always tinged with sadness on account of such a great loss. Maybe one day I will be able to separate the hurt from his memory but currently, it still stings. Having Amelia is amazing but dammit she looks like her daddy and he should be here to watch her grow.
There were so many days this past month, I knew I should write, but my mind was far too tired. Sad excuse when I claim to “blog” but grief is exhausting.
I feel as though I am watching myself drown and kicking my hardest to come up for just one more breath. The constant battle against the current is a struggle. One second you’re floating in peace, the next moment you feel your heart sinking and it takes your whole body with it. Some waves are small and easy to swim through, some days the waves overtake me. As with any grief, there will good days, and there will be bad days.
I’ve been able to get out more and sing and different events which makes me feel alive again! Most recently, I sang the Anthem at a fundraiser event for Backing the Blue Line. They are a non-profit run by police wives to support all law enforcement in the state of Minnesota. Wonderful uplifting women that I have the honor of being apart of! They asked me to sing this year and I obliged. It was a wonderful event where we raise over half of what it takes to run our organization in ONE night!! I didn’t even have to beg for a slow dance…in fact, he asked me twice….or more or less just said “lets go”….
I’m in a relationship now that is different for me as well. It’s a good different but there is a fear of getting too close. I fear getting too close because the last time I fell in love with someone, God took him away. Thankfully for Amelia and I, he is understanding of that fear and reassures me when we take it day by day. There’s a familiarity in the lifestyle as far as work goes too. It makes it a bit easier to work on myself while still knowing I have a safety net to fall into on those days we do get to see each other. He is good and only time will tell where it takes us. Neither of us were looking when he casually set his beer at my table…..
The pregnancy is going well! I am constantly tired from this little bean too! I could probably sleep through my entire first trimester to feel great! Some nausea in the morning that subsides with food. Unfortunately, nothing sounds good to me anymore as far as food goes so its a good thing they make pre-natal vitamins to make up for the lack of nutrients in my food choices.
As you can tell from the many different happenings, its been a road of ups and downs as per usual. However, even when the storm clouds threaten to dampen my sunshine, I continue to steer where I stare to lead me in a direction of happiness. Happiness is hard to come by when you grieve but I know it’s what I deserve. So I will continue to stare into the future, making plans and seeking happiness all while allowing God to show me what crazy new plan He has for me. Every storm runs out of rain and the sun will shine again.