Our Little Lady

Today is Amelia’s 3rd birthday and I chose a lady bug theme. Amelia decided she liked lady bugs today so I guess I dodged a breakdown (last week she was having nothing to do with lady bugs)!

During this celebration, Josh was hardly mentioned. The main focus was on Amelia but we were all hurting at the same time. I hid my tears pretty well but I also kept my back to the crowd when it was beginning to get tough.

How could our baby be three? It feels like just yesterday she was dressed up as a lady bug for her first halloween. I remember that day very well because my friend came to take photos of us at my

grandmothers house.  Grandma was pretty frail but I wanted her to see our cutie patootie. We happened to snag a decent family photo too.

We were so in love with our little lady then and she still continues to bring so much light now! Even in the midst of tremendous darkness in our hearts.

Decorating for a third birthday is really all for the parents because she won’t remember any of it… that’s why knowing her daddy isn’t here hurts even more. She won’t remember him. All she will have is the photos we took and the stories we tell.

It’s so hard to choose joy over and over again when all you want is to break. It’s hard balancing all of the positives in life when theres a cloud looming because you know Josh should be here.

Every new first without him is going to hurt and every event thereafter will hurt too. First days of school, first day in “big girl undies”. All of it. There will be so much joy and yet there will be so much pain. There will always be the pain of him not being able to see his little girl grow up. Josh even broke down once because he was afraid he wouldn’t be here for her but I told him he would. It’s hard to not feel like I let him down. I just kept telling us both that he was going to make it. I never let up. I just kept pushing him to do better because I truly believed we would overcome this together.

Oh miss Amelia, mommy loves you so! I hurt because I miss Josh and I hurt more for her. One day it will be her birthday again and the depths of knowing her daddy is in heaven will hit her too. Maybe then we will cry together.

After Josh’s transplant, we set a goal to be home in time for Amelia’s 2nd birthday. We met that goal and were able to celebrate for the first time in our new home. So much moving had occurred it was nice to be in our home and especially to be together as a family for our sweet little lady!

Every day I wake up is a bitter reminder that what I had will never be again. What Amelia should have had is forever changed.

We put on smiles and we spoiled her rotten. We silently grieved but we all stayed strong for her. Thank you to my family both blood and through marriage. You gave me the strength I needed today to enjoy our little lady, miss sassy pants, my sweet angel. I keep going because of you.

Amelia, you deserve so much in life and mommy is going to be damn sure you get it. Although if we could avoid pink and pom poms I’d appreciate it….

Our little lady is 3 today. I hope it all looked great from a bird’s eye view.

Wish you were here.