Here we are again, camping at our annual trip. I am laying alone tonight because Brad had to return to work and Amelia, as per usual, wanted a sleepover with Nana. Up until tonight, it has been pretty good. We continue the shenanigans and even had a bacon cook off this year since we now have two men in the meat business.
Despite all the fun we are having, tonight, I am struggling. We have had conversations, your mom, sister, and I , reminiscing about all we went through, things we were told about your health and life expectancy etc. It is so hard. I can’t remember everything and sometimes, although I am hearing things for the second or third time, I have forgotten and it seems like new information all over again…my heart breaks all over again.
I am laying here in this bed thinking about how much easier life would be if only you were here….
It would be easier to stay home to avoid the crowds, easier to avoid crowds so I don’t have to answer for the tears
It would be easier to hide my tears if my heart wasn’t so hurt, easier to hide the hurt so no one knows I’m not okay.
It would be easier to smile If I wasn’t so broken, easier to have fun if my broken could be fixed.
Everyday it seems there’s something “easier” than the last , but your last day was the hardest of my life.
I replay that day like a scratched dvd except it’s my broken heart that just can’t seem to heal.
I still find I’m angry, still find that I’m blue, loving you was easy but letting go I just can’t do.
It would be easier if you were here, easier if you were near, Easier if I had your kiss, easier if I wasn’t writing this.
I wish I wouldn’t beat myself up over the prayers that I sent, “Dear God take his pain away” just the pain and not you is really what I meant.
I know that He has healed you and heaven must make it easier to see, all the things I am grateful for that you have given me.
It would be easier to run and hide, easier to forget the pain inside, but, I speak your name and share my pain to make it easier to understand.
I’ll never know why and forever shake my fists, but I’ll forever move forward if it’s the last thing on my list.
It would be easier to quit school if I didn’t know you were watching and easier to not give a damn if I wasn’t trying to be perfect.
It would be easier to be perfect if I wasn’t so far from, Easier to be mediocre and know that I am loved.
It would be easier to love again if what we had wasn’t so real, easier to open my heart if happiness I allowed myself to feel.
All of these thoughts come and go and each day I give my best, to make each new day a bit easier than all of the rest.
It’s a learning process this grieving and learning to live life without you, each day is a struggle but every tomorrow is new.
It would all be easier if grief wasn’t so damn hard.