It only hurts when I’m breathing

Over the course of 7 years I transformed myself into the best companion for Josh. We were made for each other. We fit perfectly together as we grew and learned from one another in so many ways.  Josh is a huge reason as to where I am today. Not just the location of my home, my job and the title “mom” but overall. Josh came into my life when I was ready to call it quits and he never gave up on me. Every day we worked to make each other better and every day, we did. Sure, marriage came with arguments, compromise and even sacrifice but we were a team. Now I am having to transform all over again but this time I am alone.

They always say there is no “I” in team and it’s true. Here I am being forced to refer to things without my partner and everything is “I” or  “Mine”.

I am struggling because I have so much love to give and nowhere for it to go.

My home is quiet and lonely without Josh. Even when toddler laughs fill the halls, the deafening absence of his voice hits the heart.

I am a single mom trying to rediscover who I am while putting on a brave face to prove to our daughter that no amount of pain should hold you back from success.

Failures do not define you.

God may have a plan, but I write my own story. I’ll lean on Him when I am weak and praise Him for everything I have.

I want to have one more baby with Josh and the time is coming soon. IVF is around the corner and my plate is again overflowing but I will make it because I’m a fighter.

I didn’t get to write in my happy ending the first time but I can write in a new happy beginning….

The failures of all my yesterdays still sting because I put my whole heart into them. I gave my whole heart to Josh too.

I am left with memories and heartache but every day I try to find joy in new beginnings.

I continue to  smile, I  continue to laugh, and I continue to pray because it only hurts when I’m breathing.