Home

Often, people get on a plane to get away. Today, I sat next to two gentlemen flying back to Los Angeles. One was headed home after business in Minneapolis, the other, taking his family on vacation and LA was merely a pit stop on their way to Hawaii!

When I arrived home last night after work, it was to an empty home. My roommate was out of town, my dog was at the kennel and my most valued treasure was in the loving hands of Nana and Papa.

This world takes us to so many places. Some places we choose, others we do not. When it’ all said and done, we tend to find our way back to where we call home.

I have been doing traveling for my technology company and  travel shorter distances such as to work. I can already hear Amelia saying “We’re hooooome” once she can see our house.  Her voice is music to my ears but the sight of our home tends to be bitter sweet still…..

I began to start thinking what “home” meant. They say, “Home is where the heart is”.  So, what’s a girl to do when her heart is 6 feet of earth away? That’s a question I may never be able to answer but merely a feeling I continue to work toward because home is not a place, it’s a feeling. 

I feel out of place most days as I try to navigate this life without Josh. I am moving forward for myself and Amelia but it’s a strange feeling to navigate while your heart still feels an emptiness that gives a constant reminder of how out of place you feel in your own life story. This is not how it was supposed to be.

You never get married with the intent of being alone. You never have kids with the intent of raising them alone. When you get married, it’s supposed to be forever. When you have kids, there’s supposed to be a team of parents helping them grow into wonderful adults and encouraging them to chase their dreams.

It’s difficult when I visit Josh because I know that the physical and tangible being who was my husband is 6 feet of earth away but, yet I believe his spirit is in heaven shining down on us. I’m torn between what I know and what I believe. Leaving me again, out of place as I try to decipher what is real and how I am supposed to find home without the one I was building my life with.

Home is where you feel most comfortable. For me, that was in Josh’s arms. Josh was home to me.

Every day I feel broken and every day I keep going. My hearts home was Josh. We created an incredible little human who has taken over my heart like wildfire. I will always miss Josh but in the midst of finding a new me, a new beginning, and a new home, I found home in the arms of a tiny toddler who loves me even when I fall short in my mom duties.

I am both nervous and anxious to create one more little human with Josh.Never in my wildest dreams did I envision myself having to go through IVF without Josh. We planned the IVF journey prior to the start of chemotherapy but we also assumed he would be here by my side to help me through it. God had other plans and while I do not agree with God’s plan currently, I agree with how I want our story written. I am moving forward with an audience of one to please.

Even though I feel out of place most days, I know I will always have a home in Amelia’s arms and soon, I’ll get to embrace another set of arms that will bring me back home the same way Amelia does.

Home is what you make it. Home is where the heart is. Home is my Amelia. Home will be all of my children. I cannot wait to follow through on dreams Josh and I had and give Amelia a sibling!

Although, I hope for her sake it’s a girl because she was not having the possibility of it being a boy….

IVF begins in April and if it takes the first round, we could be welcoming another slice of home in the New Year. Which would be fitting for all of these new beginnings that I continue to be blessed with.

I will forever love Josh. I will forever miss him.

I will forever find home in the humans we created. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without my home; my heart; my Amelia.