Double the love

Gabriel is 12 months today! It’s hard to believe most days but especially today. I have a son! I am a mother to two beautiful children and while it was not my plan to be alone, I have done it. I will continue to be there for them and keep them safe.

I remember this day a year ago. I was induced and the waiting was atrocious for me because I am extremely impatient! (I know, shocker for some). I did some walking around the unit but it was mostly just hanging out in the room with my mom, Josh’s mom, my sister, and Josh’s sister and Joe…photo Joe as we have kindly deemed him.

All of whom were present the entire labor.

There was so much anticipation, angst, sadness, and joy all bottled up. How did I find the strength to make such a life altering decision? How was I going to raise two children through grief?

LOVE.

My love for Josh allowed me to make the decision to have Gabriel. Love has carried me through it all. There are times when I feel like I am not doing enough, I am not good enough, or I am missing something that inevitably will ruin their future. But, up to this point, they both seem to be happy and love me pretty well.

The greatest job I have ever had is being a mom. Although trying at times, it is also the most rewarding. It has not been merely the love I have for these two that has filled my heart but rather, watching their bond grow as well.

Amelia is her brothers keeper and she is amazing.

Gabriel is learning so much and he is such a happy baby! Teething, tiredness, and hunger are about the only things that make him cry and even then, it’s nothing a little mom snuggle can’t fix.

I love the sleep I miss because I get more awake time to reflect on their beautiful faces and how blessed I am.

Sometimes I wake them with tears because as beautiful as they are, it is equally heartbreaking that only I get to enjoy these nights. I wish more than anything that Josh was here to see this all unfold. I am positive that he had a conversation with God to give me a boy. He knew I’d need a boy.

Gabriel loves dancing with me in the kitchen and Amelia dances with me in the living room. Gabriel will be my forever slow dance partner and I am sure one day, he will be taller than me too!

While Gabriel will never know Josh, and Amelia will have vague memories, both will know his love.

It is his love that helps me to be the best parent I can be. It is that love that reminds me I am good enough. My love shows in them and they give it right back. I’ve had double the love for the last 12 months and I can’t wait to experience it for a lifetime.

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