Why I’m here

2017 was by far the most difficult year of my life as I watched my spouse fight and eventually lose the battle against cancer. He died just 2 weeks after our 5 year wedding anniversary. All the ideas of what to get each other for the 5 year mark went out the window. The thoughts of eventually being home together again for the holidays and watching him improve over the years and eventually go back to work vanished.

I replay that day in my head often and it never ceases to bring me to tears. I loved that man with all of my being and losing him propelled me into a hurt I never knew I could endure.

You see, I had spent 10 years in the military and was trained in resilience. However, nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for losing the love of your life. I hadn’t even turned 30 yet and there I was picking out my headstone for the plot next to his.

In January 2018, I decided I was going to take his journey and turn it into my own as I am forced to move forward without him. There are days I am mad at the floor for being the floor and there are days when my optimism surprises even me.

Grief is a lifelong journey and everyone handles it differently. I have chosen to seek joy, find a new happy, and reinvent my future in hopes that I can inspire even one person to do the same.

The cards we are dealt are not always the play we wanted but if we continue to be better than those cards, we continue to make a difference.

I hope you find some form of peace through my writings and I apologize ahead of time for the days I make you cry! Thank you for crying with me, laughing with me, and giving me strength to keep moving forward.