More recently, people ask of all the things I do for myself. When they find out how little I get away, I get the old “you need to get out more”. I will admit, it’s true. I do need to get out more however, there’s a certain amount of comfort that comes from routine.
I am routinely focused on my kids, my studies, my work and pretty much everything that doesn’t involve putting myself first. I’ve always lived a life of helping others and putting myself first feels unnatural.
I’ve spoken with a few people and asked what they think is the amount of times you should “get out”. Once a week was the common answer. However, sometimes that once a week isn’t necessarily “getting out” it can be a night in where you dedicate time to yourself and forget about your to-do list. I always think of how nice a night off would be!
I have a hard time putting my brain to rest whether it be chores, homework, or overthinking basically every thing in my life…I worry a lot. Sometimes, I think so hard, my words come out in an awkward fashion or I just simply state how awkward I am being to make situations that much more awkward… which is interesting to me considering how eloquently I write. Maybe I just need to word vomit on paper when I feel the mind going crazy….
There is one person who stands out to me in all of this. Her name is Christi. She doesn’t know it yet (but will if she ever reads this) that her actions have helped more than she could know. I can remember a time when she said, “you need to get out more girl” but instead of just telling me, she made me.
It was just a few weeks after Gabriel was born and I was out on the town with her and a few others. That particular night has brought up many memories that turn my face red with embarrassment. Luckily for me, they are the no-judgment zone team! Then I was again invited out for her birthday and she even swung by just for coffee once. It may seem little but it really meant the world.
Then when it came to my birthday, someone else convinced me to do at least something and again, Christi and friends came together for a fun night.
Sometimes I won’t go out because I am afraid. I’ll find an excuse but when you carpool, it holds you accountable so there’s no backing out! And even when I say, “I can only have one because I need to get home and mop my floors” (cue odd looks and laughter) they prove it’s ok to have two… or a few and that floors can be mopped anytime!
It would be nice to get out once a week but sometimes, that’s also just not feasible so I try to find other things to fill my time that simultaneously fill my cup.
In the last couple of months, I have found myself getting out more and let me tell you, what a blessing it has been! I dedicated Thursdays as self care days and sometimes it’s just errands but it always has music class.
I have met some pretty great people in these months and enjoy spending time with them; be it for coffee talks, painting, or beer.
It has been an interesting growth process this past year. I spent 8 months dating someone who inevitably chose to walk away. With every failure, whether relationship, adventure, or idea, you learn something about yourself and you grow from it.
Every failure leads me to a deep breath, open mind, and a heart fueled with a deeper passion.
I have found that following my passions really does bring great joy and I cannot put myself on the back burner or I will (and have) gotten burnt out.
I have also found that more recently, I am singing more. Not just in the shower, or in the car, but literally everywhere! I haven’t done that in a long while. Music speaks to me on so many different levels and lately, it’s given me hope that I am worthy and good ones exist. Something optimistic is going on around here and I like it.
Going into the third year without Josh feels, dare I say it, good. Not because I miss him less but because I know myself more and have grown exponentially.
I will get out more this year. I am choosing to surround myself with some pretty awesome people and work a plan so that I can get out more.
By “this year” I mean 2020… that will give me two more months to prepare my anxiety for the adventures that await!
I have faith that 2020 will bring great things because I am more open to adventure. Maybe I’ll go ice fishing or learn to skate? Maybe I’ll go to more than one WILD game and maybe, I’ll do an audition. Who knows where 2020 will go but I am optimistic in God’s plan.
My faith in Him far outweighs my fear to put myself first.