Sometimes, this world gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes, this world sends in a hero. Sometimes, it doesn’t. What do you do when your world is on fire and you feel like you might be fully engulfed….you set fire in ahead of the incoming one.
Burn whats behind you and the rising flames coming forward have nowhere to go because there’s nothing left. Escape fire.
Today is a down day and it’s hard to explain. Especially considering I just returned from a weekend retreat with many women and had a blast! It was so nice to relax, be silly and play dominos. However, when I woke up this morning, I felt the weight of the world again. Maybe it’s because I am dreading my upcoming birthday. Some days I am excited for it and others I’d rather just sleep until November.
Sometimes it seems my heart is on fire and the smoke makes it hard to breathe. All I need is something to hold onto to get me through it.
Change is hard. Maintaining forward motion is hard.
I am halfway through my next (and final) degree and I am gearing up for my volunteer efforts in a non-profit. I am still working (but seldom), still spending time to myself (but it’s tough), and juggling everything that comes with being a mom. Sometimes it seems I have lit a perimeter fire to protect myself and those I love so the incoming flames have no chance to overtake us.
Standing in that circle I can see the flames and hear the roar but the smoke clouds my view of anything in the distance. I hold strong and wait patiently for the flames to die down before I make my next move.
In the circle, I have time to think of whats next.
The truth is, I have no idea. The only thing I’ve ever known to do it fight fire with fire. When I get burned, it ignites my flame higher and I rise.
Small fires or big, I’ll always have my escape fire to protect all I have built. I’ll continue building even under great heat. In the end I know, I am bound to be rewarded.
But on down days like today, it’s hard to envision a life outside of my perimeter.
I don’t want to celebrate by birthday today but maybe tomorrow I will.
In the meantime, I’ll fight the poor feelings with love and buy myself some flowers because even if a girl says she doesn’t want flowers for her birthday, she does. Even when she says she doesn’t want to celebrate; she does in some capacity and even when the fire is too close, she wants to fight back…and win.