In the background

It was mentioned today how “unsettling” it must be to some to see a picture of me with my new boyfriend and in the background, see a picture of Josh.

I wasn’t even upset at that. I simply responded, “This is my life now. No matter where I go, Josh will always be there in the background.”

I’ll never be upset with someone who is trying to understand the process when they haven’t been in our shoes and I will pray that they find that understanding and never have to be in these shoes.

The funny thing about social media is it’s so easy to see and judge without understanding and I encourage those who don’t get it, to reach out and try to understand because grief needs to be talked about. Grief is not a one size fits all. Not everyone grieving is willing to discuss it but I’ve pretty much always been an open book and I am not afraid to talk about the tough stuff.

It brought me back to a time when I wasn’t so understanding… I remember meeting a woman at a group meeting for police wives. She stated she was a widow and I grew curious and remember looking up her facebook page. We were friends through our mutual group but I remember looking through her pictures and looking at dates… I noted when suddenly the pictures changed from her late husband to her chapter two. I tried to place timing on when I thought and perceived she had “moved on”. How naive and judgmental I was back then, when I was madly in love with my husband.

Fast forward a few years and in the blink of an eye, I became a widow too. Suddenly, everything she had done with her life made sense. She reached out to me and we met for lunch. The first thing I did to this God fearing woman was apologize. I remember saying something along the lines of “Audrey before we say anything, let me apologize….” She forgave me. Then we began to talk about life after losing the loves of our lives. I was so grateful that she had forgiven me and she encourages me now to continue to do life my way.

That’s exactly what I am doing.


My way.

I am unapologetic in the decisions I make. I wish I wasn’t apart of the widows club but the fact is that I am.

God’s plan was not my plan but His timing is something worth having faith in.

His love is worth giving grace for. Whether it be for others or for oneself.

I will never “move on” from the loss of Josh but I will forever continue moving forward in life. I owe it to myself and both kids to not get stuck in a place of darkness. I have and continue to still be blessed and I have to pick up those blessings and run with it because not everyone gets a second chance at life or love.

Life is far too short and though I may be broken, I am still worth loving and I have a hell of a lot of love yet to give.

Loss transforms you into a new person and that person becomes who new chapters fall in love with. Without being broken, I may have never found the road to where I am.

Losing Josh will always hurt but he will always be with me. Finding someone who understands that is a blessing.

Typically I’d say loving two people at the same time is not ok (insert small chuckle here) but when it comes to finding love after such a loss, it’s inevitable.

Being with someone who creates a calm in you, allows you to cry, is patient, and isn’t afraid to share your heart… well folks, thats what you call a “keeper”.

Sometimes we find ourselves in troubled waters and then we find a lighthouse that guides us home.

Love is like a lighthouse, a beacon in the dark.