Donut grow up

I can’t believe our baby turned 4!! We spent the week having celebrations with all the different families but the biggest party was at home. “Donut Grow Up” themed. Amelia LOVES going to the bakery with Papa and so we decided to have a donut party! I devoured way more than my allotted calorie intake for the day….no regrets!

It’s a bitter sweet day for multiple reasons. Feb 18th is the day my friend Amie passed away from Pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed months before Josh was diagnosed and died mere months before Josh died. I look at how our lives paralleled and its heart breaking. I stand where her husband stands and witness him do what I do in not only keeping our spouses memory alive, but giving our kids the best live we can.  I know how much it hurts to lose a spouse and every February 18th, I sent them extra prayers for strength, love and hope.

This year was also bitter sweet because I realize that as Amelia gets older, she gets further away from the amount of time she had with her dad. By the time she turns 5, she will have lived longer than the amount of time that Josh was her daddy.

It’s heartbreaking.

But its also amazing to watch your kids grow. She is growing into the most amazing little girl. She is beyond helpful and affectionate towards baby brother Gabriel and she just loves the title “Big Sister”

She often says off the wall things and can be inquisitive to the point of annoyance, but I love her still.

Amelia is my sour patch kid. She is sour for a short while and then is full of sweetness. It’s the sweet side that makes up for the sour and either way, I know, it won’t last forever.

She still wants to snuggle mom, dance, and build things etc and I do my best to always be present. I want her to remember that even though mom cried, she laughed too.

It’s not easy raising kids let alone after your spouse died. Every new thing you wish they were there to see but then you’re reminded when they say or do something that you wouldn’t, it was probably their dad whispering in their ear to do so just to drive me nuts.

Amelia will often pause for a moment just to say, “Mommy, I love you”. That carries me more than she will ever know.

I don’t always know if I’m doing it right and often, I doubt my abilities but that one sentence, those four words, they are my strength.

Amelia turns 4 and she continues to impress me with her resilience, her compassion, and her thought process. My lovely sour patch kid that I adore and appreciate every second of every day. Donut grow up so fast because mommy enjoys these days and I know it wont be like this for long.

I always ask for time

It should come as no surprise that in life you depend on people. Friends, family, coworkers etc. Especially after a loss, sometimes the dependence falls on to even the simplest things. For example, if you say you’re going to bring a meal, then bring a meal. If you say you’ll swing by for coffee, come sit down for coffee.

Even before Josh died, we always knew life was full of chaos. it’s why you go so long in between seeing friends or doing things for yourself. I knew after we lost him that eventually, life would pick back up for everyone and we would again only be able to depend on ourselves in certain instances.

What I did not expect was to be disappointed by those I thought I could always depend on…the ones closest to me that i’d been depending on for years for simple advice over the phone to Facetime calls just to say “Hi, I miss you”.

I am the worst at getting excited easily and therefor being let down hurts more because I was already at a 11/10 for excitement.

I don’t ask for much- mostly because I usually feel like I can do much on my own but one thing I always ask for is time. I know from experience it is no ones friend and we never know how much we will get. So if I go out of my way to gift you with time, I expect you to take that time. In fact, I depend on it because that gift of time was to warm my heart and create memories I wanted my family to have.

For years, I pushed aside what could have been grudges and hate and I instead replaced it with love and understanding but in one failure to accept the gift of time and then proceed to make excuses instead of owning ones own actions. The relationship was crippled.

I never had to forgive for the scars you left, I never had to include you in my life. I never had to sacrifice in order to grant you time. I’m beyond disappointed and I refuse to let it happen again so if at some point you decide we were worth the time, you’ll be forced to do it on your own dime.

Many do not know but I was abused as a child. I was raised in a broken home but as I grew older, I used faith and forgiveness to my advantage. It strengthened me and gave me a freedom I would have otherwise dismissed. It would appear forgiveness will again be knocking on my door but I am not ready yet. I was left with emotional and physical scars and I forgave and even tried to give back. Instead being left dismayed and disappointed. In time forgiveness may find it’s way back but until then, I will continue to only associate with those of whom I can wholeheartedly depend on. The ones that don’t make excuses when they fall short. Own it, find peace, and carry on.