Josh would have celebrated his 38th birthday on December 2nd. I would have made old man jokes and been a bit handsy and he would have swatted my hands away and told me it was “unwanted physical contact” with a smile on his face….I’d always follow with a playful “arrest me then” to which Josh would simply shake his head and walk away! I guess when you marry a cop, they don’t like to play with their work equipment! LOL I can’t help myself! I was never one to be too incredibly serious.
For Josh’s birthday, his family came down, had a meal and decorated Josh’s tree. I have a light up tree on my porch at all times in his memory. In December it’s a Christmas tree. It’s a nice way of allowing our children to keep his memory alive while we sleep. Amelia will often say, “I’m going to turn on daddy’s tree”. I do everything I can to ensure his memory never fades from her little mind. I know for me, there are days when I barely remember what his voice sounds like so I dig for videos to get even the slightest taste of his deep, calm tone or laughter.
He would have been proud and laughing of Amelia in her very first dance recital! Turns out, 2 shows in one day is not for her! She stood on stage in her pretty little outfit and hardly participated but she sure was cute!
Josh was a man of few words and he did a lot of talking with his eyes. His eyes were so beautiful. A greenish/blue hazel that could calm any storm. Those eyes also showed worry and defeat in his final weeks as well as pain and disappointment in his final days. I will never forget those eyes that were the calm in the storm, the light of my life, and the love in my heart. His eyes always said it all and I’d give anything for one more look.
For Christmas, we again lit 5 candles in honor of Josh. Gathering around the same table, sharing a meal and sharing memories. It wasn’t until almost New Years that we were able to do our gift exchange as a family. Amelia and I celebrated Christmas day alone at home except for about an hour with Nana and Papa. I started having some pain one Christmas eve so they came down just in case. Thankfully, Gabriel stayed put! However, with every new day, we are a day closer to meeting him! It’s pretty surreal to have come this far bearing Josh’s child. It’s a tremendous amount of emotions bottled up into one because while there is immense joy, there is also the feeling of “he should be here”. We all miss Josh so deeply. Down to our core. Bringing his son into the world is going to be my one of my greatest accomplishments and while I wish he was here to see it, I know he is proud of this decision. I am proud of myself for going through with it despite the fear and uncertainty of my ability to be a single mom to two.
It’s been another birthday and Christmas without Josh and year 2 has seemed so much more difficult. We were all in survival mode the first year and the numbness masked the heartache. Now we’ve had time to breathe and the reality has sunken in. He really is gone and he really is never coming back. It hurts, it feels unfair, and we will never understand the why in God’s plan to take him from us. All we can do is move forward in our lives and adjust our hearts to live alongside our grief. Grief will never go away nor will our love for Josh. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas in Heaven Josh. We miss you.