Gratitude

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I’m sure many are excited for the food and maybe overwhelmed by all of the travel holidays such as these bring…I myself tend to get overwhelmed at all the travel, the preparation etc However, looking ahead at our second year without Josh, I’ve found a deeper gratitude for the things I do still have. We often get upset about the unanswered prayers, myself included, I mean after all, how could God take my husband and expect me to be ok with that? How dare He leave me here alone to raise a child and wander this earth without love? But the truth is, He didn’t leave me here alone. Nor did He leave me loveless. He always takes the best to heaven and sometimes they go sooner than we’d like but it’s all apart of a greater plan. Even in the midst of my uncertainty and confusion over how and why, I rejoice because I am not alone. He is with me and has blessed me beyond measure. I have the greatest families a girl could ask for, the most loving and inquisitive daughter and a karate kid growing in my belly. Not to mention the incredibly large safety net of friends to fall into on my toughest days. I think when we really take a minute to stop dwelling on the things we don’t have or the prayers we feel went unheard, we can listen to the love in our hearts and seek gratitude for the ones that matter most. This holiday season, I invite you all to take a step back, breathe, and take in all that you do have. There are still many things we have that others could only dream of and for that we must give praise. God didn’t promise days without pain but He did promise to carry us through it, so let Him.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul,’ therefore I will hope in him.’”- Lamentations 3:22-24

Daylight Savings Time

This morning the vast majority of people with small children were up exceptionally early, myself included. I haven’t had a 0430 wake up in a long time and while my sleepy eyes and brain were struggling, my arms and heart were warm with snuggles from my blue eyed beauty!

Although the day started early, it allowed me more awake time with Amelia and enabled me to get stuff done around the house while she took her time fully waking up as well.

It again dawned on me how incredibly blessed I am.

Last night, after dinner, I accidentally left the oven burner on for multiple hours. I thought I was imagining the gas smell because I swore I had turned it off and there was no flame. However, after laying Amelia down to bed… now 2.5 hours later… something told me to check one last time. Sure enough the burner was on low but the flame had worn out. I had checked the wrong burner on my initial checks. I have safety knobs on all 5 burner knobs so you have to open each one individually to see what level its on.

The same day, I had just been talking to my sister in law about “signs” and how I feel like I never get any and continue to grow frustrated because I just want to know that Josh is with me. If last nights stove check wasn’t a blatant “quit being stubborn wife, I am still here” moment then I don’t what it was!

You’d think after years together Josh would know that subtly is not my style. Make it obvious!

I also think sometimes I miss signs because I’m too busy making sure Amelia has the greatest life possible with what we have. And yea, I still get upset sometimes. Hard to see signs through anger and tears.

However, today, in my early morning fog, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. I don’t know what the weight was that I was carrying but I just suddenly felt more at ease at where I am and the blessings that surround me.

Amelia is the absolute greatest gift and she is a mini me even if she still looks like daddy most days.

We also were able to get a sneak peek at Gabriel yesterday. I am 31 weeks today and he is the size of a coconut!  Hard to believe I’ve come this far without Josh. I haven’t gotten this far alone though. God, family and friends have been my saving grace.

I started working temporary full-time two weeks ago and I fall in love with what I do more each day.  It’s really pretty neat to be a school nurse and despite popular belief, it is a lot of work!!! I will leave at the end of December and only return on an on-call basis.

Despite missing Josh, life is pretty darn good. I’m growing a healthy baby boy, raising a strong willed little girl and I know what I want from this life.

Sometimes people say I’m asking for too much but I say they aren’t asking for enough.

Time is what we are given and we will never know when it’s going to be taken away. There’s a time to laugh and a time to cry but we must keep pushing forward until we feel satisfied. Yes I was awoken early but it’s given me more daylight to enjoy!

Although my life has felt like a battlefield many times and my heart has been broken, I still choose to seek happiness and joy through the tough times.

I will never stop asking for more and striving to achieve it. With every extra minute I am given, I will be sure my kids know that it’s ok to be happy and hurting at the same time and that just because we hurt, doesn’t mean we can achieve greatness. God loves us and I love these little blessings with all of my being.

We can smile and cry at the same time. We can hurt and be happy at the same time. We can push forward while still reminiscing about the past.

Memories and happiness are forever and while the tough times linger, the happy times overshadow the dark times.

When life gives us more time, seize it.