Recently, a friend asked, are you happy?
I replied, “As happy as I can be.”
They didn’t know what that meant and asked me to elaborate so I tried to explain it.
Simply put: Yes I am happy but not as happy as I could be if Josh were still here.
Losing Josh meant losing a piece of myself that I will never get back. I am sure one day I will find a full happy again but for now I am making my own happy.
I am in a constant state of wishing I had someone to share my free time with even if I don’t get a ton of it.
Many say, well you have Amelia and once Gabriel gets here, you really wont have time… the thing is, I will. Even now, I have time. Be it, an hour after work or two hours after bedtime. Some nights, I don’t want to sit in bed alone. Maybe I want to watch a movie instead of just laying down. Maybe I want to come home from work and cook with someone who wants more than chicken nuggets.
My love language, if you’ve ever taken that quiz, is touch. Again people say, well you get hugs from your kids… correct, I do and they make any bad day seem good however, my kids will not rub my back or let me rest in their lap while they play with my hair.
It’s a different level of companionship. I just recently turned 31 and theres plenty of life left in me to give and receive love.
I’m also not in a rush.
As I mentioned, I recently had a birthday, and I cried that morning. I cried because I knew there would be no surprise bouquet of flowers or small gift waiting for me. The little things really do turn out to be the big things in life and although, I am happy, I still miss the little things.
No longer do I have someone who gets me and can handle my assertiveness as some would call it…. no longer is someone patient enough to understand the heart behind my walls.
No one has taken the time to understand that while I do still hurt, I am happy and its a weird combination to live with but I am doing it.
I am making memories for our daughter and striving to give her a happy childhood filled with as many little things as possible.
Little “Mommy/Daughter” days sprinkled throughout that she can look back on.
Bringing her to dance and constantly making sure she knows how beautiful and smart she is. I pray she always listens to that and believes it.
There are so many little things that make up our days and we get to choose how we respond. Some days, it’s a little thing that can ruin our day but we can choose to focus on a separate little thing that brightens our day.
I have and will continue to choose joy and a smile over feeling sorry for myself and being angry at God (which I still am on occasion btw). I trust that one day someone will take the time to really understand the complexity that is widowhood and will take the three of us on without hesitation.
So when you wonder what I’m up to and how I’m doing, know that I am staying busy making memories of the little things and I am incredibly happy to get the chances to do so. I miss my husband and I miss being a wife but being a mom is the greatest blessing! To feel baby growing brings extra joy and I know that I will soon feel another new happy as I navigate the scary territory that is having a baby boy!
This life is what you make it and I choose to make it a happy one. So enjoy the little things while you can.