How could we know?

It’s been too long since my last blog and there have been a lot of emotions thrown about. Still it’s hard to find time to sit down an express myself on this forum.  All of June was difficult as we constantly relived the downhill slope that came last year.  Josh was diagnosed June 4th 2016 and we had hoped by June 2017 he would be home and healthy. We were wrong. Instead we relived multiple intubations and watching him die and come to life multiple times as we fought hard to keep his body fighting. July 4th he was approved for rehabilitation which was an incredible step in the right direction! However, in a mere 24 hours, our lives turned to turmoil yet again.

It’s hard to not relive the morning after fireworks. I begged the doctor to take a n arterial blood gas blood test because I feared Josh was retaining CO2 again. The doctor declined until I firmly asked again and said, “this is not my husband!” And suddenly a code was called and we were again rushed to the ICU.  I was growing tired of being the only advocate for him but if not me, then who?

The next few weeks were touch and go and he was awake and moving for our 5 year wedding anniversary! He couldn’t enjoy the ice cream cake we got but he was able to watch Amelia enjoy hers.

How could we know that just 2 weeks later he would be gone?

The guilt from those weeks still haunt me because had I known, I would have said so much more, I would have asked him so many more questions, and I would have never, ever left his side.

Instead we were optimistic and I went home to go to mandatory classes for work. They were mandatory to return to work but I could have easily changed the date had I known….

So much grief, guilt, and pain go into losing someone you love. The what-if’s dwell around on the bad days but the memories continue to bring joy on the good days.

These next few weeks will undoubtedly be difficult and for now I continue to let God lead. Even when I do not see.


“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”

– Isaiah 42:16