In any given day, I go through a whirlwind of emotions. In any given hour, I go through a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions.
That’s what this life is, a whirlwind.
We don’t have full control but we are able to make decisions about our path and sometimes there isn’t much time to think about it.
Maybe we are supposed to just “wing it”.
I know in motherhood, I wing it all the time! I have no idea what I’m doing but my kid still loves me so I’m doing it right. Some nights I make her a nutritious meal, some times, we just eat cereal. I’m winging it but I love it.
It’s a weird concept for me to “wing it” considering I schedule my life on two separate white boards in my home… one in my bathroom so I see it every morning and night, and one in my mud room so I see it everytime I come and go.
I’ve always been a planner with high hopes and big dreams. This hasn’t changed but my outlook and approach have recently.
The best part about scheduling on a white board is it can be erased.
After joining the gym and seeking mental health assistance, I decided, more so realized, I’m doing too much! Although I have all of these high hopes and big dreams, I don’t have to do them all in the first year since losing Josh! I was killing myself trying to force my path when really all I needed was to take a step back and breathe.
School will still be there when I’m ready. My current job doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree and it was merely a goal. My future would be open to even more possibilities with a BSN however, I will take my time on this one because soon, I may be pregnant.
Through all of the things I’ve been keeping up with, I was also still driving to the cities to continue the IVF process. I will find out in two weeks if it worked!!
In my previous post I spoke of the strength to keep forging a fire. There’s still strength in realizing too much is too much! I don’t have to set fire everytime I leave my house.
I’m glad someone was willing to speak up and say very bluntly to me “You’re doing too much to avoid the grief” because it stopped me in my tracks and made me reevaluate.
Suddenly, I began doing more things for myself and instead of focusing on maintaining grace, I allowed grace for myself.
I started off more growth with something I thought I’d never do, a photo shoot wearing nothing but undergarments! Never have I ever viewed myself as sexy and beautiful but in one half day photo shoot my confidence was boosted! I still can’t believe I did it but I also can’t stop looking at how great it all turned out!
Huge shout out to Sugar &Spice Photography for giving me such an incredible experience that has helped me change the way I view myself! It was so empowering!
I temporarily suspended school, and I dropped out of dating last month too. I was content being alone knowing I’d be raising two kids alone. My standards are high and I was even told “unrealistic”. Still I just shrugged my shoulders and said “so be it”.
I started going to more events alone because I needed to be out in public just to be away from the house and truly, it’s ok to do things alone. I’m strong enough to handle it.
One of Joshs sergeants was retiring and I decided, since I had taken the day off from work to do an ultrasound in the morning, that I would spend my night, wishing her well! Her and I had a rocky start when Josh was in the academy but now she’s a good friend!
It was at this retirement party that you’d think you’re safe from the thought of meeting anyone, especially after determining you were “over it” when it comes to dating. Most attendees are married and or drunk and really, who goes to a retirement party and leaves with a phone number? Apparently, I do.
so that happened.
I gave up dating and school and slowed down on business but God just didn’t want me to be alone.
His plans always astound me. A retirement party? Seriously.
Anyways, it’s been pretty great! It’s not been long but he has proven to me that I am worth it and he will be there. He even took me to my IVF appointment for egg transfer and then stayed to take care of me.
Quite the gentleman if I must say so myself.
So as for this new dating journey, I’m winging it. I’m throwing my cares to the wind and rolling with it. He is willing to date a potentially pregnant woman who also has a toddler and he is doing it well so far! He jumped right on in knowing that he has the potential to be
more than just “mommy’s boyfriend” and that at this early stage- the future only means he could be called “Dad”.
That part doesn’t scare me either. My kids calling someone else “Dad”. It’s inevitable. They will have a daddy in heaven and hopefully, a daddy here on earth. Whether he was found at a retirement party or not, it’s bound to happen.
I am very grateful for hanging out at that party for as long as I did and for walking back in to get the number of that cute guy! Jesse, since you were too chicken shit to ask, you’re welcome!
Speaking of chicken shit, he has chickens, and goats…. this city girl keeps landing a country gentleman who cares deeply about those they choose and even opens up doors! I haven’t seen the huge belt buckle yet but maybe that’s outdated now? Then again, I’ll be headed to tractor pulls this summer because I said I would…. I’ve gone country ya’ll!
My life is a whirlwind of winging it these days and I am so excited to ride the breeze!
I’ve got a new mindset and a new confidence so here goes nothing!
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer”-Romans 12:12