20 months gone by

Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you Josh. Every night we still send special blessings up to “Daddy in Heaven”. It’s hard to think its been this long without your laugh, your smile, your witty one liners and your ability to calm my every storm.

On this day however, instead of staying in bed and crying to myself in heartbreak, I am trying to choose happiness and am taking the kids to Duluth….rather, Brad is taking the kids and I to Duluth.

Brad and I started talking prior to my IVF journey but I was so tired of online dating and everything that came with it, I shut down my account…without letting him know. We call that “ghosting” these days. Needless to say, I recently opened my profile back up and viola! there he was and he again sent the first message. (Because I’m too chicken shit to make the first move).

In our short time together, we’ve gone on many dates, shared many stories, and he even helped me pick the spring flowers for your grave Josh. Brad lets me talk about you, doesn’t become jealous or intimidated, and remains pretty chill even when I feel myself getting high strung.

He has a lot of your qualities and I think you’d like him. He’s great with the kids and he’s patient with me. You know how much I need a man with patience 😉

I still cant believe he willingly took me and the kids to Duluth! I guess it will show how he does with kids, a high strung lady and show how well we work as a team. You and I always made a great team Josh. I think Brad and I will too.

It is still incredibly difficult to live simultaneously with heartbreak and happiness but I am trying my hardest because I don’t want to be alone and I know you don’t want me to be either. I often wonder if you sent him because despite my incredible investigative skills, I have yet to find a red flag…. maybe thats a red flag?! KIDDING!

He is calm, quiet, compassionate, understanding, and ever so patient. I guess thats always been the balance I’ve needed given everything I deal with daily.

Many of you are not aware but I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. There, I wrote it out loud. Josh helped me stay on track and losing him has brought on a whole new version of the daily battles. Some call it hiding, some call it high functioning- either way, I stay busy with life. When life slows down, it tends to shine through more. It’s taken on new forms but I’ve worked through it while trying to find happiness again.

Brad is my new calm side and it makes me happy (and nervous) that he’s willing, despite knowing all of the above, to take the three of us on and jump in without hesitation. It means the world to us and I just pray that with time, I can let him in like I did Josh. But, that scares me too. Do I dare get as close as I was to my husband out of fear God will take him too? Do I allow my walls to fall and feel as though I’m betraying my husband by falling in love again? I know, these thoughts shouldn’t happen because I deserve to be happy again but they are inevitable.

All I know is Brad makes me happy right now in this moment. So if I continue to live in these happy moments they may turn into long journeys and it just might be ok. I will be ok. If I never loved again, I’d be miserable so I do my best to continue to try. I owe it to myself because I have so much love to give.

20 months have gone by but the pain of losing you is fresh. 20 months have gone by and I feel myself being able to love the way I loved you. I am scared. I am nervous but I am open and willing to try to feel that kind of love again in a new way.

Noone will ever replace you Josh. I miss you. I hope we are making you proud. I love you.