Fear is a liar

I recently heard a song that led me to begin hashing out more emotions but I placed them on the back burner because I worked all week.

It’s so easy to be consumed by day to day tasks that I forget I still need to take time for myself. That goes for those grieving and for those who aren’t.

I have found in grief that I allow fear to take over from time to time and it shakes my core. I fear failure and I fear success. Weird isn’t it? Most crave success but sometimes we are afraid of it.

I dreamt all of my success would come as a mother and wife…. then suddenly I was no longer a wife. I was a widow. I am a widow.

This future life of mine is not one I ever dreamt of as a little girl.  When you’re a little girl, you dream of that handsome prince carrying you off into the castle, getting married in a church and living in eternal bliss.

Needless to say, my prince didn’t own a castle and while we did get married in a church, marriage wasn’t always eternal bliss but it was enough. Marriage was work and we did it well. Mostly, we respected each other enough to know when the other had to compromise more. I loved being his wife.

Josh hated photos but I loved taking pictures because he was my happy. Looking back, I am glad he compromised on photos. I’m glad I forced all those photos on him! Even if there was an eye roll before every single one.

I try to tell myself that I am making him proud but it’s easy to get caught up and feel like I’m failing somewhere in someway or another. Could it be in school, as a friend, a daughter, or heaven forbid, as a mother.

Lately, Amelia has been having melt downs that are hard to explain, hard to watch, hard to recover from and actually bring me to tears because I do not know what to do. I begin thinking maybe it’s me going back to work? Maybe it’s because I’m traveling too much for my network marketing business? Maybe I’m just not good enough as a mom?

These melt downs go on for up to 45 minutes so far and I fear if they begin to last longer….

What happens when I add another baby to the mix? For some of you, you’re just joining into the journey. Josh and I banked specimens and I had initially thought I wanted a baby immediately. I still want another baby but when is the question…

I fear going against God’s will to selfishly meet my own wants.

I fear dating but I also fear finding the right person.

Fear is a liar in that it steals so much time and opportunity.

I’ve said before that I need my faith to be greater than my fear and it’s true yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I keep finding and trying new things, meeting new people, and really propelling myself forward while I navigate who I am going to be from here on out.

I know what I want out of life, my career, and my relationship. I have to work on patience with myself to get there.

Josh and I may have known right away that we were it, but it took years to build our life together so, it’s going to take years for me to build a life without him. I am afraid to do it without him and I’m even more fearful to be successful at it.  All I have is because of him. We worked together to build a beautiful life and now I’m left with shattered dreams.

I will continue to lean on my faith and give every effort to let it be greater than my fear. God gave me Josh. He must have a happier ending for me….. I trust that He does.

I must be doing something right if my daughter still ends the nights with hugs and I can still make others smile.

I may be broken but I’m not dead yet. Fear is a liar and I refuse to let it win.

I am a widow. I am a mother. I am a fighter.

Never let the fear of being broken keep you from trying again.